I had accepted my life as it was. I don’t know at what point, my marriage has become one of stifling but I tolerated as I did not know any other ways. Somebody told me this is the boiling frog syndrome, the story where the frog sits in water that is slowly heated until it boils and kills the frog, but the frog never moves because as things get slowly hotter and hotter he just puts up with it..
Hubby was very controlling. He must have a say in everything, from what food I should eat, whether it was at home or outside, what clothes I should wear, what types of friends I should have, when and where I should go on business trips (hell! Even my boss does not interfere!), how I should behave in public, how I should speak, what choice of words I should use, how I conduct my business and the list goes on.
He pressed my buttons as and when he wished and it never failed. I would do things against my wishes in order to please him. Things got worse as many a days I could not concentrate on my work, I just sat there praying that hubby would not be angry with me anymore and would talk to me and ‘ forgive’ me for things that I did not believe I had done wrong. It is like him remote controlling me! I often had to beg for forgiveness, and the latter could take days, weeks or months. It was very belittling.
Going on holiday was a stress as I could not afford to put a foot wrong. Weekends, days off, bank holidays were stressful as I was so worried that I did or said something wrong. It was like walking on eggshells all the time. Sleeping at night was my sanctuary, and often I wished I would never wake up again. Times and again I wish I had the courage to kill myself and the most pursued daydream was the plane fell of the sky and I was in it!
It was summer, I was in agony. I was introduced to chart reading, psychic readings, fortune telling, channeling and it went on. I took up meditation and chanting. I wanted to stop the aching pain inside me. I dived deep into internet to search for answers. Articles after articles, books after books. I read, I talked, I emailed, I asked, I challenged, I searched, I listened. But the pain inside me did not go away. Instead it grew.
Then one day I picked up the book by Steve Gunn and read it cover to cover very quickly. I saw his website, logged on and read everything there was to read. I emailed him for a reading. It was a shocking and revealing reading. He told me it was the universe that did this to me. I asked why. He said it is to do with my growth and lessons in life. He said it is karma. I protested and said it would ruin my marriage and he said what marriage has got to do with growth and lessons. I said nothing really. He said my energy was all bottled up and I feel frustrated very often. That was so true. My lesson in life was to let that flow and achieve happiness within that could not be changed by what was happening outside of me.
During the second session with Steve, I was taught some basic energy work. I did that for a few weeks and found it very calming. The pain inside me started to ease. That is when I decided to go onto PN as recommended by Steve. He said it would give me strength and power and inner peace and oneness. I did not understand a word he was saying then. What did he mean by all these? All that I wanted is an answer and a stop to the arching pain inside me so that I am able to function and work as a living human being again.
Strange thing PN is. It is hard work, real hard work but simple. I listened very carefully to everything that Steve said and worked very hard on it. I relapsed every so often. I cried a lot, I had emotional releases. Steve is warm, kind and compassionate but very tough in keeping me working the system. He gave me encouragement, guidance and wisdom all throughout and he still does.
So what have I achieved? Inner peace, happiness that comes from within, self love, objectivity, detachment, total detachment, independence, power and strength. I feel a tonne of bricks has been lifted off my shoulders. I feel free, totally free, like a bird out of its cage. All the things that Steve said I would achieve when I first started, I have achieved. I still flop and fall and relapse. But with each relapse, I recovered stronger. And each relapse took shorter time to recover. In our language, each low is a higher low. I have the tools that Steve taught me and now I can stand up on my two feet. I have never felt so happy and so strong before, physically and emotionally. There are still emotional times but I coped well and am able to stay centered and balanced.. PN is part of me now.
My marriage is breaking up as I am going for a divorce. It was a shock to myself as much as to hubby. I had been so dependent on him emotionally and would never have thought I could live without him. I always thought he is my rock and I would never dare to go against him, despite a lot of the times I didn’t agree with him. In a sense, I feared him. But now, I fear no more. I will be on my own but I know I will be ok. I am a secured person. There is self love, which I like many, have neglected. I have grown and I have progressed and I will never be the same old person again. Spiritually hubby and I are miles apart now and it is just impossible to gap the differences. I still love him, but it is a different type of love now. I care for him and would like him to be happy and want the best for him. But I want my independence. I want my space. I want to live my life as myself and not the person that he wants. I finally realize that our marriage is co dependent for all these years and it is an unhealthy relationship. It is abusive. It has to end.
But I could not see it until now.
But hubby does not press my buttons anymore. He resents it, he cannot accept it, he is hurt, he does not like changes. He is yet to learn his lessons in order to grow and progress further. I can only wish he will realize sooner and learn it well as I did mine. This is a wake up call for him and I hope he will be open to it. God bless him! Making the decision to divorce was not easy. There was guilt, self doubts, what seems like emotional blackmails at times. Of course I relapsed many times in the process. But with PN, I was able to recover and stay centered and balanced.
It was 8 months ago when I went to Steve. How I have changed in these few months from a total wreck to someone that is so full of energy and strength and power. I am secured, centered and balanced. My skin glows and my eyes twinkle. All my friends noticed the changes in me. I told them about PN. Nobody can understand what on earth I was talking about. But they all agreed, I look good.
Another friend peered at me and said I look better now than 7-8 years ago. Ha, how cool is that. My sister said even a blind man can see that I am in love. But I am not! I don’t have a secret lover. I am on my own! She couldn’t understand PN but said whatever it is, if it makes me happy then have lots of it. Another friend asked if this is some kind of magic. Nobody believes that I am going through a divorce, don’t have a new man in my life, yet I am so happy with myself, cool, calm, with inner peace, balanced and centered. That really is the key of my story.
There are so many women out there that are still in abusive relationships in one form or another. They may or may not be aware of it, but most haven’t had the strength to step out of it, just like I was many months ago. There is a way that they can empower themselves: PN! It really works. I am the living proof.